Things Harry Potter Is Not Allowed To Do At School
by funkyorange
Summary: Other title: Things Harry Potter Is Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts. Just to get me back into the swing of writing Harry Potter. Slashy hints, but nothing real. A little ron bashing, cos he's just so fun to bash...
1. Things Harry isn't allowed to do rule 11

It is not funny to draw the Dark Mark on someone's arm while they are sleeping. (Even though it is)

Harry glanced down at his best friend, Ron Weasley. Ron really was asking for it, sleeping with his sleeves up near Harry. Smiling in a slightly maniacal way, he began to draw...

Harry was nearly done when his other best friend, Hermione, noticed he was drawing on Ron's arm during one of the lazy History of Magic classes the fifth year Gryffindors and Slytherins were taking together. "Harry! Stop that!" She said shrilly, and Ron twitched in his sleep.

"_Silencio_," Harry cast surely. "Now hush, I'm nearly done." This spectacle caught the attention of most of the fifth years.

"Harry?" Asked Neville, not stuttering one bit. Harry was proud. "What are you doing?"

"_I_," he announced importantly, "am making art." Hermione made a choking noise as Harry finished.

"Okay," Harry released Hermione from the spell.

"Harry, that's the Dark Mark! It's inappropriate!" This attracted the attention of all the students. Binns droned on about Goblin Wars.

Harry quickly pointed his wand at himself, turning himself transparent, before tying his hands together. "Okay, nobody's allowed to talk to Ron. Now, someone wake him up." Hermione kicked Ron's ankle and he snorted awake.

He looked to the side and saw that Harry was missing.

"Hermione! Where's Harry?" She ignored him.

"Neville? Dean? Seamus? Where's Harry?" Nobody answered. "Harry! What are you doing sat by Malfoy?"

Everyone turned to look. There Harry was, sat by Draco Malfoy. "Don't pretend you care, Ron," Harry sighed, something which had been perfected during his Emo Phase. "Like you don't know!"

"No, seriously, mate."

"Like you don't remember you sold me out to Voldemort!" The whole class choked as one. "And as punishment...he gave me to Malfoy as his sex slave, who then killed me, binding me to him forever." There were muffled snorts and giggles around the room.

"But I wouldn't sell you out, look!" Ron pulled up his sleeve and screamed in a high-pitched manner, not unlike a little girl. However, the words that next came from his mouth were not appropriate for little girls to be using or hearing.

And that was when Ron fainted.

"Quick," Harry said with giggles, undoing the ropes and making himself naturally coloured once more. "Now, when he wakes up, pretend nothing happened." He put Ron back in his chair, and wiped the Mark off his arm.

"Harry? Are you okay? Not Malfoy's sex slave? Or dead?"

Harry gave Ron a look that said '_are-you-insane-or-otherwise-mentally-disturbed_'. "No, Ron."

"And I don't have the Dark Mark?"

"I certainly hope you don't."

"Good. Hey, Harry?"

"Yes, Ron?"

"Why is there rope over by Malfoy's chair?"

"No reason."

"Okay."


	2. Things Harry isn't allowed to do rule 42

42. 42 is not the answer to every question on the OWLS practice test.

"How do you think you did, Harry?"

"Pretty well," he said. "I did, after all, put 42 for every answer."

"WHAT?" Hermione's screech drew the attention of every person in Hogwarts. Only most of the castle, however, was witness to Hermione's rant in the middle of the Great Hall.

"Harry, you can't put 42 for everything! Just because it's The Answer To Life, The Universe And Everything doesn't mean it's the answer to those questions!"

"But you said it was!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

Hermione and Harry's rather childish argument was brought to an end by Professor Dumbledore walking up, flanked by McGonagall and Snape.

"Mr. Potter, why did you decide to answer '42' to every question on every exam?"

"Because that's The Answer To Life, The Universe And Everything. Douglas Adams said so." Snorts from the muggleborns who had actually read The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy echoed around the Hall.

"No it is not, Mr. Potter! Now, you will redo your test or you will have detention for a month with Mr. Filch!"

"Oh, _fine_."

The next morning, Professor McGonagall's roar of rage echoed around the hall.

"POTTER!"


	3. Rules 58 and 59 in one chapter! Yay!

58. Professor Flitwick's first name is not 'Yoda'.

59.I am not the Defence Against The Boring Classes Professor

Harry James Potter surprised the whole Hall when he walked into the Great Hall one morning. He walked up in his fanciest robes to the High Table, and sat down next to Professor Flitwick. "Good Morning, Yoda," he greeted pleasantly. "Please pass the butter." Flitwick passed the butter in slight shock. "Ta."

"Mr. Potter," asked Professor McGonagall, "why are you sat at the High Table and why are you calling Professor Flitwick Yoda?"

"I am the newest Professor, and Yoda is Professor Flitwick's first name," Harry replied, looking confused.

"What are you the Professor of, Potter?" Asked Snape.

"Defence Against The Boring Classes Professor, of course."

The Hall was silent, and Harry grabbed a small piece of toast and took it back to his rooms.

"I'll see you all in class," he said to the shocked students. "Bye." And he walked away.

(He was later found sat in an abandoned classroom wearing a wig and waving his wand arond randomly. The room had been redecorated purple and green with pink and silver swirls. He is still in detention for that, by the way.)


End file.
